Finding The Right Balance

If you talk to any creative like myself we will tell you the terror in actually bringing fruition to our dreams. Breaking away from societal norms and diving head first into the entrepreneurial world has been a major balancing act for me. I’m talking waist deep in , “I don’t know what I’m doing”, and I’m walking on a tight rope of, “How the heck do I manage to actually have a personal life”, or better yet what is a personal life for that matter. The list can go on and on. From a young age I knew I wanted to create a life for myself that allowed me to use my creativity to touch the lives of others while creating a brand and stream of income for myself. As I get closer and closer to the launch of my first book I have become overwhelmed in working on my readership in creating contact for social media (because hey, whats a good book if no one knows who you are), freelance writing, my normal 8 hour jail sentence of a job, being a single mom and balancing my personal relationships/friendships. I found myself juggling more than I could handle which took away from me breathing life into my book. SOO what did I do? I took a darn hiatus and redirected myself, because sometimes you just have to take a damn break and BREATHE!

THE BREAK

I think it is so important that we recognize when we are overwhelmed and take the time to take care of ourselves. I cannot write great content or be someone for everyone if I am first nothing for myself. I never wanted to be confined behind a job I didn’t care about, and I strongly believe in doing what you truly love and not just working for a check. I am a very passionate individual and I cannot put my all into something that I have no passion in. I’m doing both the business and myself an injustice. No one should work eight hours on a job and be capped under a barely livable income producing fruit for someone else’s dreams and not work on their own.

THE PROBLEM

I had to think long and hard and realized I was focusing on too many avenues. I found myself still working for another person again producing article content for freelance jobs that took my attention away from my own content. By the time I came home from work and got my son situated for bed and completed articles for my client I was to exhausted to work on my own dream. In producing content on my social media sites I saw that I was more concerned about my followers and it was extremely stressful in gaining and losing followers daily. However, I am learning that everything is a process and I won’t come out running straight out of the gate. Patience is a very important element in any entrepreneurial avenue and something I am greatly working on. Another problem was worrying whether others would like my work or not, which can cause you to write under a different voice other than who you truly are. The best advice I received was from reading Stephen Kings Book called, On Writing where he talks about not dumbing yourself down by writing to appease others when it’s not who you really are. As long as I am writing work I am pleased with I am okay with that. There will be constructive criticism and in reality everyone isn’t going to like your work, but that should not discourage you from producing good work. Everyone has their preferences.

I had to completely delete my Instagram and refocus. During my little hiatus I have been reading various inspirational books and novels and just strengthening my mind on different avenues so that I can come back with a clear mind and fresh content. I’ve been spending time with those I love and overcoming my jitters of publishing my first work. Now that my hiatus is coming to an end it is not time to begin to breath life back into my pen!

What have been your experiences in the beginning stages of entrepreneurship? What have been your struggles and how did you overcome them?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DELAYED GRATIFICATION

I get it! It’s 2016 and you can jump into bed with anyone you darn well please! Honey if that’s your prerogative then I’m not mad at cha! Just don’t expect a relationship to magically spring out of the wood-works because you gave up the cookie. Yes, any guy who takes the cookie and runs is an ass, period! BUT we can’t really fault them if you never required more from him before you gave yourself to him. If you want him to stick around and take you seriously, try a little delayed gratification!

Trust me I had my fun in my college days, so I’ve been there and done that. Hey, gotta live a little, right! So, this past week I was talking to one of my oldest and dearest friends and the topic of making him wait came up. As I think of it, the long relationships that I’ve had stemmed from the two of us really taking the time to get to know one another before jumping into the sheets. I find that when sex comes before love is initiated then you run into those situations where once the infatuation wears off, you find that you two really have nothing in common. He will get his thirst quenched and you have become attached and he is ready to move on to something more fulfilling. Let’s face it, and as much as we millennials like to play the friends with benefits card, sex attaches you to a person emotionally and sooner or later someone is bound to get hurt under that context.

I think that a lot of times we get mixed up in “situation-ships” instead of relationships. When we offer ourselves up to someone without first requiring him to make a greater investment in us we are selling ourselves short. You can’t screw yourself into a relationship with him and you will only hurt yourself in the long run having that mindset. Me personally I’m not with giving up the goods without commitment.

Sex will come. I rather wait for love and have sex follow after. Roll your eyes here I know lol, but yes I know it takes a lot of willpower and trust me it is so much better in the long run. A little delayed gratification never hurt anyone and actually intensifies the experience. So let the pot stew a little bit. Get to know him. It’s important for me to learn whether we are spiritually compatible and if we have the same morals or can even stand each other beyond the bedroom or it’s just a waste of my time otherwise.

HE WILL JUST GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE

Then you know what? He isn’t the man for you. Let him. Any man that doesn’t want to take the time to get to know me before I give myself to him is not worth my time. Men do what you allow them to do. If he likes you and is interested in getting to know you, then he will not pressure you to have sex. He will respect your boundaries and wait. Sex should never be at the forefront, because trust me it wears off and you’ll need something more to cling to after you both have come down from your sexual euphoria.

My rant for the week.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Terrible Two’s

Things just got real out here in these parenting streets! To beat the arse or not to beat the arse, tis the question! Okay, so you’re flustered because you’re out running an errand and your child throws a fit out in public. What do you do? Do you spank them, do you yell? (because we really need more attention being drawn here, right? RIGHT), or just let them have it out? People are looking at you all crazy, with that half smile half look of, “oh, you better control your kid”, “uh, uh she doesn’t know what she’s doing” (yes roll the neck here). Let’s face it, it’s embarrassing no matter what way you try and pin it, but hey, kids are going to embarrass you in public. It’s like they are equipped to push the panic button in the face of an audience. Little boogers. We expect our kids to be these little adults and expect them to behave in the that way we do. They are learning their environments, learning how to express themselves, learning language and how to communicate as well as learning their bodies, which includes their own temperaments. It can be overwhelming for them.Shoot, it’s overwhelming for me so I can imagine how it is for these tots.

  Now to the meat of the situation. This past week I experienced my first, “trying time”, when my son had a crying fit at the store. Tuesday when I picked him up from daycare his teachers let me know that he stayed dry all day (yes we are tackling the potty training head on), so I decided I’d take him to the store and let him pick out a toy to congratulate him on being a big boy (YAY!). He decides on his favorite dino-truck from the netflix series Dino Trucks (check it out by the way). Here comes, Wednesday and we get to the store for whatever minuscule item I needed to pick up that day, and my son sees a toy he wanted and tells me, “mama, I’ll be right back, okay. I want chu chu train”. I told him that we could not get the toy today and proceeded to the counter to pay for the item I initially came into the store to buy. This is where the tantrum began, at the counter under the microscope of the lovely cashier eyeing me all bubbly eyed. My son screamed and cried the whole ride home and the whole walk into the house. My first inclination was to spank him, and I was two seconds from doing so, until I took one long deep breath, and asked myself 2 two questions:

      1.What message am I trying to convey to my child

2. Can I solve this situation differently- (is spanking necessary in this situation)

Now before we get our panties into a wad here, YES I have spanked my child and NO I’m not against spanking. I do believe that spanking should be exerted in certain situations, however for the age group of my child and the situation, I could have resorted to different measures, as I did. We use spanking to assert authority over our children and to control them, but I am learning to exercise patience and teach obedience by different means.My parents spanked me and their parents spanked them and so on. I learned to spank because my parents spanked me, and the whole “I was spanked and turned out fine”, debate went into play. However, in spanking my child I noticed that it did nothing but made him angry and turned him into this baby hulk (yes he would ball up his fists and shake like the big green monster until he calmed down) and it was a sight, or he would begin to hit other children during play time. He learned that hitting is how we solve problems when we are upset and that is not the message I want to convey to my child. Looking back over my childhood, I can remember how angry I was and how much I hated my parents, wanted to run away and never come back after being spanked (and I actually did run away at 5 years old. My father allowed me to and followed me in the car lol). I don’t want my child to feel that way and I would rather teach my child how to control his emotions by facing them head on and showing him the appropriate ways in which to deal with them.

Let’s rewind back to the store tantrum. We get home and I literally have my palm about to pop his legs when I stopped, took a breath and decided to place him in his time-out chair and allowed him to calm. I got eye level to him instead of yelling over him and once he calmed down we talked about the situation. My goal here was for him to learn that he cannot get a toy every time we go into the store and it is not okay to have a scream fest when mommy tells him no. Allowing him to cry and be upset (because it’s is a natural feeling), helped him to learn that it is okay to be upset, but there are ways to assert your frustration and ways not to. Me spanking him in this situation would have been out of my frustration and more for me to get him to stop crying than to teach him the lesson that needed to be conveyed.

I think that with having boys, and their rambunctious nature, the first thing we want to do is resort to spanking because we want them to be tough. We spank them for crying and tell him that boys don’t cry. This teaches our boys that having certain feelings are not okay and then we wonder why these same boys grow up to be men who have trouble with communicating their feelings. I want my son to be able to express himself effectively and not feel as though his emotions are unimportant. Exercising patience does not come easy, it takes some practice and my favorite go to, WINE (hehe), but in exercising patience and different forms of behavior modification I am teaching my son patience as well. Whatever, ways in which we decide to parent I think the best form of discipline comes with knowing your child and doing what works best for you and your child. I, and I am sure many others have learned that spanking is not a one size fits all!

What works for you?

 

 

Mommy Almost Lost Her Shii–Marbles!

Wine please! Oprah!? Dr. Phil?! Anybody!? Okay, so a little dramatic, but let’s face it, every mom has been there on the brink of losing our marbles a time or two or daily for that matter. We as mom’s are A-grade tough shit! We put our little one’s needs before our own from the time we go to bed until the time we go to sleep. If you’re anything like me maybe in your sleep too. If you can point me towards a mother who hasn’t been there, then I’ll tell you one thing and one thing only, SHE’S LYING, period. We have all been there and sometimes finding that balance between the parenting and “me time”, without losing who you are can get tough. I find this even more so for us single mothers, who don’t have the luxury of “sharing the load”.  And I commend all those single mothers who have more than one, I don’t know how you do it, but you keep on you bad ass you!

 

Kids, so cute and cuddly and then you get to the realization of, “oh shit”, I actually have to raise a little human being. Who granted me with such a responsibility?! No seriously. Parenting comes with a lot of responsibility and I find it even more so for a single parent. We get home from work, (because hey these bills don’t pay themselves), pick up the kid/kids, get dinner started, spend time with our little ones, start our bedtime routines and tuck them in the bed, take out their school clothes, etc. etc. Now, to keep from just passing out right after I give my son a bath is rough most nights. The best thing that I have come to realize is it’s so much easier having your kid on a routine and to stick to it.

 

So what’s my trick? How do I manage to stay level headed? I’m flattered that you think I am. Truth is I’m not and I don’t pretend to be, but wine helps. It helps a lot haha. I found that I needed to find my balance between being a kick ass mom to my son and still working towards my dreams. I thought that I needed to put my dreams on hold, and that’s not necessarily the case. You can chase YOU and still be a great parent at the same time. A lot of times we become skilled care takers and forget to take care of ourselves. Let’s face it, some days you don’t even have the energy to comb your hair, but your child looks like a kid off of a gap commercial. It happens. Trust me! I found that the best thing has been incorporating a routine for my son and to stick to it. I get him in bed on time and then I have the time to work on the things that I need to get done, my writing for example. This is my, “I don’t have any kids time”, and it feels so liberating to find that balance and release.

 

Now granted, I’m not up every night after he goes down. Some nights I’m just too darn tired to lift a finger and shortly pass out afterward, but on those night that I do have the energy I take full advantage of it. My life and circumstances won’t change unless I change them. During my, “ I don’t have kids time”, I catch up on my favorite shows, read, write and do just about everything that doesn’t require me to do chores, because hey this is my time and that laundry can wait right there in that basket until tomorrow, because ah my time is limited here, okay!

 

ASK FOR HELP!  Have the grandparents keep your little one while you go get your nails done, or the gym. This, is one thing that I struggle with. I have a real problem with asking for any kind of help, but I am learning to use my resources when I need them. You’d be surprised how one night out here and there will keep you refreshed. My son literally goes EVERYWHERE with me if I’m not at work. His father lives states away and my sister is in Florida and another in Hawaii. I don’t have the luxury of my mother watching my son, because she has brain damage and my father works hectic hours as a chef and my list of people that I trust to watch him is about the size of a thimble. So when you see me, you’ll see my son all the time, ALL THE TIME. I am learning to ask my grandmother every now and then so I can just get a breather and of course she doesn’t mind as much as I thought she would. I’m also about to start the daunting task of a sitter for date nights, (shreeeek), but hey, mama still needs a life!
Finding that balance is not only healthy for you but for your child as well. One it’s less stressful for you and then your kid gets so see that curve-balls don’t stop you from chasing your dreams. Honestly, there is no one size fits all and even the best of us don’t really have it all together. You just find what works for you and this is not to say that you won’t ever be on the brink of losing your shit once you find your balance, because you will. It’s life, but you learn to find your rhythm. Oh yes, and wine please!

TOXIC

 

That sticky, slippery, muddy landslide of heartbreak! We’ve all been there. I’m no stranger to it, but in the mist of it I lost myself. One of my biggest struggles are holding onto my past, whether that be past hurt, anger or the people and situations it stemmed from. I’d hold onto these feelings for dear life and instead of addressing it, I buried it deep within myself. I’d keep holding on until I exploded. I was somewhat of a ticking time bomb,like a firecracker with a long fuse. Holding onto resentment and pain only made me a prisoner to anger.

I woke up one morning and didn’t like the person I had become. Hate turned my internal thoughts negative. I didn’t like how I felt about myself or the constant reminder of the pain. I had allowed this person to change my whole perspective on myself. It took me a while to regain my confidence and realize that what others do to you is never a direct reflection of the self. 

When you’ve given every ounce of yourself and wait around for a love that is never reciprocated it does something to you. I waited and waited to be seen for my worth, that I was worthy of this love. I gave every ounce of myself, that by the end, I had nothing left for myself.

Why do we as woman fight and hold onto toxic relationships? We hide pieces of ourselves, stifle our strengths, wit and smarts to keep and hold onto our level of comfortability instead of being honest with ourselves. Honest with the fact that this is a love that’s not meant for you, that there is something and someone better. Being honest is painful. Dragging yourself from your comfort zone is painful, but staying or continuously going back to a dead end street is just as painful. To know your worth and settle for pieces is insanity.

Yes, being honest with yourself is hard as hell! Facing the music and telling yourself that he just wanted you for the nights when he felt lonely or that it was just your laughter he needed to hold him over for a while or maybe it was just your support he needed to cling to. Telling yourself that it was just the touch of your skin, your scent and moisture that he needed to sink in and not your charisma, is hard to come to terms with. Yet, being honest with yourself is the first step in moving forward.

We blame ourselves, question ourselves, become insecure with our own reflections as well as insecure with the hopes of new relationships with fears of abandonment or love unreciprocated. We spend so much time beating ourselves up and searching for love and acceptance in others that we overlook ourselves. We lose pieces of ourselves when we try and hold on instead of walking away.

Coming to terms with the reality of your worth is so important. Speaking positive affirmations into yourself is so important. It can be easy to cling to the words of others or equate whats been done to you with your worth, but you are enough! Love resides within you!

When sculpting a sculpture the artist removes everything that doesn’t belong, however the masterpiece was there the entire time, it just took some chiseling to get to. You see, happiness cannot be contingent upon anyone else but you! 

In regaining my confidence, I had to shift my internal dialogue. I had two choices. I could choose to cling to resentment and my pain or I could choose forgiveness and compassion. Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness did not come easy. Honestly, I didn’t know where to start, but I knew I didn’t like how the latter made me feel. I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I respond and how I allow it to make me feel. I am continuously learning how to not become malleable in my forgiveness by not allowing the same people and situations to come back into my life and disrupt my peace. Most importantly, I’m learning the power in letting go!