TOXIC

 

That sticky, slippery, muddy landslide of heartbreak! We’ve all been there. I’m no stranger to it, but in the mist of it I lost myself. One of my biggest struggles are holding onto my past, whether that be past hurt, anger or the people and situations it stemmed from. I’d hold onto these feelings for dear life and instead of addressing it, I buried it deep within myself. I’d keep holding on until I exploded. I was somewhat of a ticking time bomb,like a firecracker with a long fuse. Holding onto resentment and pain only made me a prisoner to anger.

I woke up one morning and didn’t like the person I had become. Hate turned my internal thoughts negative. I didn’t like how I felt about myself or the constant reminder of the pain. I had allowed this person to change my whole perspective on myself. It took me a while to regain my confidence and realize that what others do to you is never a direct reflection of the self. 

When you’ve given every ounce of yourself and wait around for a love that is never reciprocated it does something to you. I waited and waited to be seen for my worth, that I was worthy of this love. I gave every ounce of myself, that by the end, I had nothing left for myself.

Why do we as woman fight and hold onto toxic relationships? We hide pieces of ourselves, stifle our strengths, wit and smarts to keep and hold onto our level of comfortability instead of being honest with ourselves. Honest with the fact that this is a love that’s not meant for you, that there is something and someone better. Being honest is painful. Dragging yourself from your comfort zone is painful, but staying or continuously going back to a dead end street is just as painful. To know your worth and settle for pieces is insanity.

Yes, being honest with yourself is hard as hell! Facing the music and telling yourself that he just wanted you for the nights when he felt lonely or that it was just your laughter he needed to hold him over for a while or maybe it was just your support he needed to cling to. Telling yourself that it was just the touch of your skin, your scent and moisture that he needed to sink in and not your charisma, is hard to come to terms with. Yet, being honest with yourself is the first step in moving forward.

We blame ourselves, question ourselves, become insecure with our own reflections as well as insecure with the hopes of new relationships with fears of abandonment or love unreciprocated. We spend so much time beating ourselves up and searching for love and acceptance in others that we overlook ourselves. We lose pieces of ourselves when we try and hold on instead of walking away.

Coming to terms with the reality of your worth is so important. Speaking positive affirmations into yourself is so important. It can be easy to cling to the words of others or equate whats been done to you with your worth, but you are enough! Love resides within you!

When sculpting a sculpture the artist removes everything that doesn’t belong, however the masterpiece was there the entire time, it just took some chiseling to get to. You see, happiness cannot be contingent upon anyone else but you! 

In regaining my confidence, I had to shift my internal dialogue. I had two choices. I could choose to cling to resentment and my pain or I could choose forgiveness and compassion. Don’t get me wrong, forgiveness did not come easy. Honestly, I didn’t know where to start, but I knew I didn’t like how the latter made me feel. I cannot control the actions of others, but I can control how I respond and how I allow it to make me feel. I am continuously learning how to not become malleable in my forgiveness by not allowing the same people and situations to come back into my life and disrupt my peace. Most importantly, I’m learning the power in letting go!